So, the husband leaves on horseback and about a half hour later, he sees a cloud of dust behind him. He waits for it to come closer and sees his best friend. "What's wrong?' " he asks.
"You gave me the wrong key!"
A woman went to the emergency room, where she was seen by a young, new doctor. After about 3 minutes in the examination room, the doctor told her she was pregnant.
She burst out of the room and ran down the corridor screaming. An older doctor stopped her and asked what the problem was. After listening to her story, he calmed her down and sat her in another room.
Then the doctor marched down the hallway to the first doctor's room.
"What's the hell's wrong with you?" he demanded.
"This woman is 64 years old, she has two grown children and several grandchildren, and you told her she was pregnant?"
The new doctor continued to write on his clipboard and without looking up said, "Are her hiccups gone?"
In a trial, a Southern small-town prosecuting attorney called his first witness,
a grandmotherly, elderly woman to the stand. He approached her and asked,
'Mrs. Jones, do you know me?' She responded, 'Why, yes, I do know you, Mr. Williams. I've known you since you were a boy, and frankly, you've been a big disappointment to me. You lie, you cheat on your wife, and you manipulate people and talk about them behind their backs. You think you're a big shot when you haven't the brains to realize you'll never amount to anything more than a two-bit paper pusher. Yes, I know you.'
The lawyer was stunned. Not knowing what else to do, he pointed across the room and asked, 'Mrs. Jones, do you know the defense attorney?'
She again replied, 'Why yes, I do. I've known Mr. Bradley since he was a youngster, too. He's lazy, bigoted, and he has a drinking problem. He can't build a normal relationship with anyone, and his law practice is one of the worst in the entire state. Not to mention he cheated on his wife with three different women. One of them was your wife. Yes, I know him.'
The defense attorney nearly died.
The judge asked both counselors to approach the bench and,
in a very quiet voice, said, 'If either of you idiots asks her if she knows me, I'll send you both to the electric chair.'
A guy walks into a bar, sits down, and asks, "Bartender, got any specials today?"
Bartender answers, "Yes, as a matter of fact we have a new drink, invented by a gynecologist patron of ours.
It's a mix of Pabst Blue Ribbon Beer and Smirnoff Vodka." The guy asks, "Good grief, what do you call that?"
The bartender replied, "It's a "Pabst Smir."
A Minister decided that a visual demonstration would add emphasis to his Sunday sermon. Four worms were placed into four separate jars. The first worm was put into a container of alcohol. The second worm was put into a container of cigarette smoke. The third worm was put into a container of chocolate syrup. The fourth worm was put into a container of good clean soil. At the conclusion of the sermon, the Minister reported the following results:
The first worm in alcohol - Dead.
The second worm in cigarette smoke - Dead
Third worm in chocolate syrup - Dead
Fourth worm in good clean soil - Alive.
So, the Minister asked the congregation, 'What can you learn from this demonstration?'
Maxine was sitting in the back and quickly raised her hand and said, 'As long as you drink, smoke and eat chocolate, you won't have worms!'
That pretty much ended the service.
A shy guy in a crowded bar is trying to work up his nerve to talk to a beautiful girl sitting nearby. He finally goes up to her an quietly says, "Excuse me, can I buy you a drink?" She looks at him and in a voice loud enough for everyone to hear, says, "No, I won't sleep with you!"
The guy is horribly embarrassed and returns to his bar stool. A few minutes later the girl comes over to him and says, "I want to apologize. I'm a grad student in psychology and am studying how people react to humiliating situations. I'm really sorry for doing that to you. Can you forgive me?"
In the same loud voice she had used, he looks at her and answers "$200! No way!"
A woman was helping her husband set up his new computer, and at the appropriate time in the process, told him he would now need to enter a
password. Something he would use to log-on. Her husband was in a rather devilish mood and figured he would try for the shock effect to bring this to his wife's attention. So, when the computer asked him to enter his password, he made it plainly obvious to his wife that he was keying in:
His wife fell out of her chair laughing when the computer replied
***PASSWORD INVALID...........NOT LONG ENOUGH***
A body builder takes off his shirt, and the blonde says; 'What a great chest you have'. He tells her, 'That's 100 lbs.of dynamite, baby.' He takes off his pants, and the blonde says; 'What massive calves you have.' The body builder tells her, 'That's 100lbs. of dynamite, baby.' He then removes his underwear, and the blonde goes running out of the apartment screaming in fear.
The body builder puts his clothes back on, and chases after her. He catches up to her, and asks; why she ran out of the apartment like that.
The blonde replies, 'I was afraid to be around all that dynamite, when I saw how short the fuse was!'
all stolen from bobandtom.com!