The more I learn in the medical field, the less I am afforded to use my knowledge for the betterment of my patients.
My ability to think is being more and more repressed.
I am falling into the loop where I am simply to do as I'm told without question.
And this isn't just coming from management, but also by doctors.
To the layman, a doctor is seen as super-human; having gone to school and training for so long that they know how to treat and heal a person from disease.
But doctors are people, too, and they make mistakes.
I've had some doctors tell me that being a doctor is as easy as just making it through medical school. There are people out there with the licence of MD who do not know how to think, who have no bedside manner, or can be just as dumb as a person who does not have a licence. And as we know, there are people out there without a doctor's licence who can be pretty dumb.
I'm not saying that this is true for all doctors. In fact, I have a lot of respect for the doctor who told me this, because he's not one of them. He actually uses his brain to figure out problems. And there are, indeed, quite a few doctors out there who are like that.
So why is it I get stuck with the ones who aren't?
I like to think for myself, and in fact, thrive if I can do my own thinking, and not have someone tell me how something is supposed to be.
But when I try to do this at work, I get in trouble.
All I was trying to do was protect both a patient from what I saw as a doctor's mistake, and also protect that doctor from making that mistake, and I get chided.
It doesn't really help when I have other x-ray techs tell me I did the right thing, because management will be on me as soon as I get to work tonight. And I also loath going in to work tonight knowing I'll have to work with the same doctor.
Yes, I also made a mistake, and that was because I did not call a radiologist to confirm or denounce my thoughts. Unfortunately, I hadn't even thought that I should at that time, although now it seems I should have.
So what do I want to do? Do I want to continue becoming more miserable at a job I actually enjoy? Do I want to go into a profession where I can make more money where I'm actually allowed to think (i.e. computer programming), but may not enjoy as much?
Is this the start of a mid-life crisis? Is this what they mean by that?
I'm only 36... shouldn't that happen when I'm in my 50's?