The journey of a thousand miles begins with a broken fan belt and a leaky tire.
It's always darkest before dawn. So if you're going to steal your neighbor's newspaper, that's the time to do it.
Sex is like air. It's not important unless you aren't getting any.
Don't be irreplaceable. If you can't be replaced, you can't be promoted.
No one is listening until you fart.
Always remember you're unique. Just like everyone else.
Never test the depth of the water with both feet.
If you think nobody cares if you're alive, try missing a couple of car payments.
Before you criticize someone, you should walk a mile in their shoes. That way, when you criticize them you're a mile away and you have their shoes.
If at first you don't succeed, skydiving is not for you.
Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach him how to fish, and he will sit in a boat and drink beer all day.
If you lend someone $20 and never see that person again, it was probably worth it.
If you tell the truth, you don't have to remember anything.
Some days you are the bug; some days you are a windshield.
Don't worry; it only seems kinky the first time.
Good judgment comes from bad experience, and a lot of that comes from bad judgment.
The quickest way to double your money is to fold it in half and put it back in your pocket.
A closed mouth gathers no foot.
Duct tape is like the Force. It has a light side and a dark side, and it holds the universe together.
There are two theories to arguing with women. Neither one works.
Generally speaking, you aren't learning much when your lips are moving.
Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it.
Never miss a good chance to shut up.
We are born naked, wet, and hungry, and get slapped on the ass...then things get worse.
Never, under any circumstances, take a sleeping pill and a laxative on the same night.
There is a fine line between "hobby" and "mental illness."
No matter what happens, somebody will find a way to take it too seriously.
There comes a time when you should stop expecting other people to make a big deal about your birthday...around age 11.
Everyone seems normal until you get to know them.