make the in-flight "safety lecture" and their other
announcements a bit more entertaining.
Here are some real examples that have been heard or
On a Continental Flight with a very "senior" flight
attendant crew, the pilot said, "Ladies and gentlemen,
we've reached cruising altitude and will be turning
down the cabin lights. This is for your comfort and to
enhance the appearance of your flight attendants."
On landing the stewardess said, "Please be sure to
take all your belongings. If you're going to leave
anything, please make sure it's something we'd
like to have."
There may be 50 ways to leave your lover, but there
are only 4 ways out off this airplane."
"Thank you for flying Delta Business Express. We hope
you enjoyed giving us the business as much as we
enjoyed taking you for a ride."
As the plane landed and was coming to a stop at
Washington National, a lone voice came over the
loudspeaker: "Whoa, big fella. WHOA!"
After a particularly rough landing during
thunderstorms in Memphis, a flight attendant on a
Northwest flight announced, "Please take care when
opening the overhead compartments because, after a
landing like that, sure as hell everything has
From a Southwest Airlines employee: "Welcome aboard
Southwest Flight XXX to YYY. To operate your seat
belt, insert the metal tab into the buckle, and pull
tight. It works just like every other seat belt; and,
if you don't know how to operate one, you probably
shouldn't be out in public unsupervised."
In the event of a sudden loss of cabin pressure, masks
will descend from the ceiling. Stop screaming, grab
the mask, and pull it over your face. If you have a
small child traveling with you, secure your mask
assisting with theirs. If you are traveling with more
than one small child, pick your favorite.
Weather at our destination is 50 degrees with some
broken clouds, but we'll try to have them fixed before
we arrive. Thank you, and remember, nobody loves you,
or your money, more than Southwest Airlines."
"Your seat cushions can be used for flotation; and in
the event of an emergency water landing, please paddle
to shore and take them with our compliments."
"Should the cabin lose pressure, oxygen masks will
drop from the overhead area. Please place the bag over
your own mouth and nose before assisting children...
or other adults acting like children."
"As you exit the plane, make sure to gather all of
your belongings. Anything left behind will be
distributed evenly among the flight attendants.
Please do not leave children or spouses."
And from the pilot during his welcome message: "Delta
airlines is pleased to have some of the best flight
attendants in the industry. Unfortunately, none of
them are on this flight!"
Heard on Southwest Airlines just after a very hard
landing in Salt Lake City: The flight attendant came
on the intercom and said, "That was quite a bump, and
I know what y'all are thinking. I'm here to tell you
wasn't the airline's fault, it wasn't the pilot's
fault, it wasn't the flight attendant's fault...it was
Overheard on an American Airlines flight into
Amarillo, Texas, on a particularly windy and bumpy
day: During the final approach, the Captain was really
having to fight it. After an extremely hard landing,
Attendant said, "Ladies and Gentlemen, welcome to
Amarillo. Please remain in your seats with your seat
belts fastened while the Captain taxis what's left
of our airplane to the gate!"
Another flight attendant's comment on a less than
perfect landing: "We ask you to please remain seated
as Captain Kangaroo bounces us to the terminal."
An airline pilot wrote that on this particular flight
he had hammered his ship into the runway really hard.
The airline had a policy which required the first
officer to stand at the door while the Passengers
exited, smile, and give them a "Thanks for flying XYZ
airline." He said that, in light of his bad landing,
he had a hard time looking the passengers in the eye,
thinking that someone would have a smart comment.
Finally everyone had gotten off except for a little
old lady walking with a cane. She said, "Sonny, mind
if I ask you a question?" "Why no Ma'am," said the
pilot."What is it?"
The little old lady said, "Did we land or were we shot
After a real crusher of a landing in Phoenix, the
Flight Attendant came on with, "Ladies and Gentlemen,
please remain in your seats until Capt. Crash
and the Crew have brought the aircraft to a screeching
halt against the gate. And, once the tire smoke has
cleared and the warning bells are silenced, we'll open
the door and you can pick your way through the
to the terminal."
Part of a flight attendant's arrival announcement:
"We'd like to thank you folks for flying with us
today. And, the next time you get the insane urge to
go blasting through the skies in a pressurized metal
tube, we hope you'll think of US Airways."
A plane was taking off from Kennedy Airport. After it
reached a comfortable cruising altitude, the captain
made an announcement over the intercom, "Ladies and
gentlemen, this is your captain speaking. Welcome to
Flight Number 293, nonstop from New York to Los
Angeles. The weather ahead is good and, therefore, we
should have a smooth and uneventful flight. Now sit
back and relax - OH, MY GOD!" Silence followed and
after a few minutes, the captain came back on the
intercom and said, "Ladies and Gentlemen, I am so
sorry if I scared you earlier; but, while I was
talking, the flight attendant brought me a cup of
coffee and spilled the hot coffee in my lap. You
should see the front of my pants!"
A passenger in Coach said, "That's nothing.
He should see the back of mine!"