The Digital Shutterbug (aryx) wrote,
The Digital Shutterbug
aryx

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From an e-mail I just got...

> PILOTS and CONTROLLERS
>
> Who says pilots and controllers have no sense of humor?
>
> Following are accounts of actual exchanges between airline and control
> towers from around the world:
>
> During taxi, the crew of a US Air departure flight to Ft.Lauderdale
> made a wrong turn and came nose to nose with a United 727. The irate
ground
>
> controller (a female) lashed out at the US Air crew screaming "US Air
> 2771, where are you going? I told you to turn right on Charlie taxi way;
> you
> turned right on Delta. Stop right there. I know it's difficult to tell
the
>
> difference between C's and D's but get it right" Continuing her lashing
> to the embarrassed crew, she was now shouting hysterically, "God, you've
> screwed everything up; it'll take forever to sort this out. You stay
> right there and don't move until I tell you to. You can expect
progressive
> taxi instructions in about a half hour and I want you to go exactly where
I
> tell you, when I tell you, and how I tell you. You got that, USAir
2771??"
> The humbled crew responded: "Yes Ma'am".
> Naturally, the ground control frequency went terribly silent after the
> verbal
> bashing of US Air Flight 2771. No one wanted to engage the irate ground
> controller in her current state. Tension in every cockpit at LGA was
> running high.
> Shortly after the controller finished her admonishment of the U.S. Air
> crew,
> an unknown male pilot broke the silence and asked:
> "Wasn't I married to you once?"
> ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
> The controller who was working a busy pattern told the 727 on downwind
> to make a three-sixty (do a complete circle, usually to provide spacing
> between aircraft). The pilot of the 727 complained, "Do you know it costs
> us
> two thousand dollars to make a three-sixty in this airplane?"
> Without missing a beat the controller replied, "Roger, give me four
thousand
>
> dollars worth!"
> ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
> A DC-10 had an exceedingly long roll out after landing with his
> approach speed just a little too high.
> San Jose Tower: "American751 heavy, turn right at the end, if able.
> If not able, take the Guadeloupe exit off of Highway 101 and make a right
at
>
> the light to return to the airport."
> ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
> It was a really nice day, right about dusk, and a Piper Malibu was
> being vectored into a long line of airliners in order to land at Kansas
> City.
> KC Approach: "Malibu three two-Charlie, you're following a 727, one
> o'clock and three miles."
> Three-two-Charlie: "We've got him. We'll follow him."
> KC Approach: "Delta 105, your traffic to follow is a Malibu, eleven
> o'clock and three miles. Do you have that traffic?"
> Delta105 (long pause and then in a thick southern drawl):
> "Well...I've got something down there. Can't quite tell if it's a Malibu
> or a Chevelle, though."
> ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
> Unknown Aircraft: "I'm f...ing bored!"
> Air Traffic Control: "Last aircraft transmitting,identify yourself
> immediately!!"
> Unknown Aircraft: "I said I was f...ing bored, not f...ing stupid!"
> ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
> Tower: "Eastern 702, cleared for takeoff, contact Departure on 124.7."
> Eastern 702: "Tower, Eastern 702 switching to Departure ... by the
> way, after we lifted off, we saw some kind of dead animal on the far
> end of the runway."
> Tower: "Continental 635, cleared for takeoff, contact Departure
> on 124.7; did you copy the report from Eastern?"
> Continental 635: "Continental 635, cleared for takeoff roger; and yes,
> we copied Eastern and we've already notified our caterers."
> ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
> O'Hare Approach Control: "United 329 Heavy, your traffic is a Fokker,
> one o'clock, 3 miles, eastbound."
> United 329: "Approach, I've always wanted to say this...
> I've got that Fokker insight."
> ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
> The German air controllers at Frankfurt Airport are a short-tempered lot.
> They not only expect one to know one's gate parking location but how to
> get there without any assistance from them. So it was with some amusement
> that we (a PanAm 747) listened to the following exchange between Frankfurt
> ground control and a British Airways 747 (call sign "Speedbird 206") after
> landing:
> Speedbird 206: "Top of the morning Frankfurt,Speedbird 206 clear of the
> active runway."
> Ground: "Guten morgen! You vill taxi to your gate!"
> The big British Airways 747 pulled onto the main taxi way and slowed to a
> stop.
> Ground: "Speedbird, do you not know vare you are going?"
> Speedbird 206: "Stand by a moment ground, I'm looking up our gate location
> now."
> Ground (with some arrogant impatience): "Speedbird206, haff you never
flown
> to
> Frankfurt before?"
> Speedbird 206 (cooly): "Yes, I have, in 1944. In another type of Boeing,
> but just
> to drop something off, I didn't stop."
> ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
> I was a Pan Am 727 Flight Engineer waiting for start clearance in Munich,
> Germany. I was listening to the radio since I was the junior crew member.
> This was the conversation I overheard:
> Lufthansa: (In German) "Ground, what is our start clearance time?"
> Ground: (In English) "If you want an answer you must speak English."
> Luft: (In English) "I am a German, flying a German airplane, in Germany.
> Why must I speak English?"
> Before ground could answer someone replied in a beautiful British accent:
> "Because you lost the bloody war!"
>
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