June 10th, 2003

my lips

(no subject)

"Video games don't affect kids. If Pac-Man had affected us as kids,
we'd all be walking around in dark rooms eating magic pills while
listening to repetitive electronic music."
-- Karen Price, Nintendo Representative
my lips

Equivalents you don't learn in school

1.. Ratio of an igloo's circumference to its diameter: Eskimo Pi
2.. 2000 pounds of Chinese soup: Won ton
3.. 1 millionth of a mouthwash: 1 microscope
4.. Time between slipping on a peel and smacking the pavement: 1 bananosecond
5.. Weight an evangelist carries with God: 1 billigram
6.. Time it takes to sail 220 yards at 1 nautical mile per hour: 1 Knot-furlong
7.. 365.25 days of drinking low-calorie beer because it's less filling: 1 lite year
8.. 16.5 feet in the Twilight Zone: 1 Rod Serling
9.. Half of a large intestine: 1 semicolon
10.. 1000 aches: 1 kilohurtz
11.. Basic unit of laryngitis: 1 hoarsepower
12.. Shortest distance between two jokes: A straight line
13.. 453.6 graham crackers: 1 pound cake
14.. 1 million microphones: 1 megaphone
15.. 1 million bicycles: 2 megacycles
16.. 2000 mockingbirds: two kilomockingbirds
17.. 52 cards: 1 decacards
18.. 1 kilogram of falling figs: 1 Fig Newton
19.. 1000 cubic centimeters of wet socks: 1 literhosen
20.. 1 millionth of a fish: 1 microfiche
21.. 1 trillion pins: 1 terrapin
22.. 10 rations: 1 decoration
23.. 100 rations: 1 C-ration
24.. 2 monograms: 1 diagram
25.. 8 nickels: 2 paradigms
26.. 3 statute miles of intravenous surgical tubing at Yale University Hospital: 1 I. V. League
my lips

(no subject)

We always hear "the rules" from the female side. Now here are the rules from the male side. These are our rules! Please note ... these are all numbered "1" ON PURPOSE!

1. Learn to work the toilet seat. You're a big girl. If it's up, put it down. We need it up, you need it down. You don't hear us bitching about you leaving it down.

1. Birthdays, Valentines, and Anniversaries are not quests to see if we can find the perfect present yet again!

1. Sometimes we are not thinking about you. Live with it.

1. Sunday = sports. It's like the full moon or the changing of the tides. Let it be.

1. Don't cut your hair. Ever. Long hair is always more attractive than short hair. One of the big reasons guys fear getting married is that married women always cut their hair, and by then you're stuck with her.

1. Shopping is NOT a sport. And no, we are never going to think of it that way.

1. Crying is blackmail.

1. Ask for what you want. Let us be clear on this one: Subtle hints do not work! Strong hints do not work! Obvious hints do not work! Just say it!

1. We don't remember dates. Mark birthdays and anniversaries on a calendar. Remind us frequently beforehand.

1. Most guys own three pairs of shoes - tops. What makes you think we'd be any good at choosing which pair, out of thirty, would look good with your dress?

1. Yes, and No are perfectly acceptable answers to
almost every question.

1. Come to us with a problem only if you want help solving it. That's what we do. Sympathy is what your girlfriends are for.

1. A headache that last for 17 months is a problem. See a doctor.

1. Check your oil! Please.

1. Anything we said 6 months ago is inadmissible in an argument. In fact, all comments become null and void after 7 days.

1. If you won't dress like the Victoria's Secret girls, don't expect us to act like soap opera guys.

1. If you think you're fat, you probably are. Don't ask us. We refuse to answer.

1. If something we said can be interpreted two ways, and one of the ways makes you sad or angry, we meant the other one.

1. Let us ogle. We are going to look anyway; it's genetic.

1. You can either ask us to do something or tell us how you want it done. Not both. If you already know best how to do it, just do it yourself.

1. Whenever possible, please say whatever you have to say during commercials.

1. Christopher Columbus did not need directions, and neither do we.

1. The relationship is never going to be like it was the first two months we were going out. Get over it. And quit whining to your girlfriends.

1. ALL men see in only 16 colors, like Windows default settings. Peach, for example, is a fruit, not a color. Pumpkin is also a fruit. We have no idea what mauve is.

1. If it itches, it will be scratched. We do that.

1. We are not mind readers and we never will be. Our lack of mind-reading ability is not proof of how little we care about you.

1. If we ask what is wrong and you say "nothing," we will act like nothing's wrong. We know you are lying, but it is just not worth the hassle.

1. If you ask a question you don't want an answer to, expect an answer you don't want to hear.

1. When we have to go somewhere, absolutely anything you wear is fine. Really.

1. Don't ask us what we're thinking about unless you are prepared to discuss such topics as navel lint, the shotgun formation, or monster trucks.

1. You have enough clothes!

1. You have too many shoes.

1. Foreign films are best left to foreigners. (Unless it's Bruce Lee or some war flick where it doesn't really matter what the hell they're saying anyway.)

1. It is neither in your best interest or ours to take the quiz together. No, it doesn't matter which quiz.

1. BEER is as exciting for us as handbags are for you.

1. Thank you for reading this; Yes, I know, I have to sleep on the couch tonight, but did you know we really don't mind that, it's like camping.
my lips

(no subject)

I guess I can finally mention this, now that my answering machine went out on me and erased the message.
About 2 months ago, Jamie called.
I hadn't heard her voice since June of 2000.
The moment she started talking, I knew who it was.
But she still must've felt obligated to tell me it was her.
She was looking for Cody.
Cody's phone number was changed several years ago.
I wasn't going to give Jamie Cody's number.
But I gave Cody Jamie's number.
She apparently tried calling her once, but she wasn't home.
C'est la vie