December 24th, 2001

my lips

from an e-mail to me


> 1. Birds of a feather flock together and crap on your car

> 2. There's always a lot to be thankful for if you take time to look for it. For example I am sitting here thinking how nice it is that wrinkles don't hurt.

> 3. When I'm feeling down, I like to whistle. It makes the neighbor's dog run to the end of his chain and gag himself.

> 4. If you can't be kind, at least have the decency to be vague.

> 5. Don't assume malice for what stupidity can explain. (Amen to this one.)

> 6. A penny saved is a government oversight.

> 7. The real art of conversation is not only to say the right thing at the right time, but also to leave unsaid the wrong thing at the tempting moment.

> 8. The older you get, the tougher it is to lose weight, because by then your body and your fat are really good friends.

> 9. The easiest way to find something lost around the house is to buy a replacement.

> 10. He who hesitates is probably right.

> 11. If you think there is good in everybody, you haven't met everybody.

> 12. If you can smile when things go wrong, you have someone in mind to blame.

> 13. The sole purpose of a child's middle name is so he can tell when he's really in trouble.

> 14. Did you ever notice: When you put the 2 words "The" and "IRS" together it spells "THEIRS"?
my lips

Tracking Santa Claus tonight

December 21, 2001

Today's Site: NORAD Tracks Santa

Does Santa Claus exist? You might not think so, but this site,
maintained by the joint Canadian-U.S. North American Aerospace
Defense Command, will have you rethinking your position as you
follow Santa's path around the world on Christmas Eve.

The site, accessible in English, French, Spanish, Italian,
Portuguese and Japanese, goes live on Christmas Eve, but you can
check it out today to make sure you have your modem set

Why does NORAD do this when they have other concerns, like
monitoring airspace security? In 1955, a department store
advertised a "Hotline to Santa" phone number. Problem was, it
rang in the Continental Air Defense Command office (NORAD's
predecessor). It was a quiet night, so the personnel on duty
decided to play along and made up a whole scenario for their
young callers, a practice NORAD adopted in 1957. Today,
sophisticated computer animation simulates Santa's annual flight, but
the real-time commentary by NORAD's own servicepeople make it come

Send a comment or thank-you note, and you'll get a personal
reply, too:
my lips

another e-mail to me

12 days of Christmas - Politically Correct version
On the 12th day of the Eurocentrically imposed midwinter festival, my Significant Other in a consenting adult, monogamous relationship gave to me:

TWELVE males reclaiming their inner warrior through ritual drumming,

ELEVEN pipers piping (plus the 18-member pit orchestra made up of
members in good standing of the Musicians Equity Union as called for in their union contract even though they will not be asked to play a note),

TEN melanin deprived testosterone-poisoned scions of the patriarchal ruling class system a-leaping,

NINE persons engaged in rhythmic self-expression,

EIGHT economically disadvantaged female persons stealing milk-products from enslaved Bovine-Quadrupeds,

SEVEN endangered swans swimming in protected wetlands,

SIX enslaved Fowl-Bipeds producing stolen non-human animal products,

FIVE golden symbols of culturally sanctioned enforced domestic

(At this point, after members of the Animal Liberation Front threatened to throw red paint at my computer, the calling birds, French hens and partridge were reintroduced to their native habitat. To avoid any more trouble the remaining gift package was revised.)

FOUR hours of recorded whale songs,

THREE metric tons of French beef,

TWO Worldwide Fund for Nature calendars printed on recycled processed tree carcasses,

AND a Spotted Owl activist chained to a non-intensively reared,
non-sustainable, pesticide & g-nome-modification-free pear tree.